Mike Fasano: School Nicknames

Oct 11, 2009 | By: Guest Blogger

Okay, everyone is talking about standings, recruiting, statistics, and so on and so on and so on.

Am I really going to talk about the trivial issue of school nicknames!!

Really?

I am – so sue me.

Hey, it’ an important issue.

I first became interested in nicknames when I was being recruited to play football. Now, you won’t believe it to see me now but I was once one of the most coveted quarterbacks in the country. Coaches from across the nation salivated over me. It was disgusting.

I could have gone to any school in the country. I would have gone to Oregon except for a misunderstanding arising from the school’s nickname.

You see, I had no idea that the nickname of the school was the Oregon Ducks. I had no idea at all. And it was a misunderstanding related to that nickname which kept me from going there. In fact, I was just about to sign a letter of intent when this exchange occurred with the coach.

Coach: Now, Mike, you’ve seen the campus what do you think?

Mike: Wow, it’s great. I love the mall outside of the student union and the Quad, Straub Hall – all of it. It’s great.

Coach: And I know you’re interested in pre-law. We have one of the best pre-law curriculums in the country.

Mike: Yeah, I know, that was one of the reasons I took an official here.

Coach: And if you play at Oregon you can see much of the American west … Arizona, California, Oregon Washington, you can hike the Cascade Mountains, explore the entire region.

Mike: Hey, coach, you know I love the outdoors, this is perfect for me.

Coach: I know, Mike. I know you’ve looked into a lot of things but there is one thing you haven’t looked at.

Mike: Really, coach. What is that?

Coach: You haven’t considered what it means to be a duck.

Mike: (Blink)

Coach: Mike, I want you to become a duck.

Mike: Uh, coach I am not quite sure I heard that right, so I was sort of wondering if you could repeat what you just said.

Coach: Mike, I want you to become a duck.

Mike: You want me to become a duck.

Coach: More than anything in the world.

Mike: A duck.

Coach: Yes, I want you to become a duck.

Mike: Well, gee coach I would really like to sign that letter of intent but damn if I didn’t leave my pen at the airport. I am just so forgetful these days. Hell, (as I started backing out of the room) I’ll just go pick it up and be back in a flash.

That is what happens when you have the wrong nickname.

So below is my list of approved and unapproved nicknames -  with a few more categories throw in for good measure.

Nicknames that I disapprove of:

The Clemson Tigers – Tigers are tough, fierce, fast, agile predators. They are not known for acts of philanthropy. The appellation “Tiger” is an absolutely perfect nickname for a football team.

Okay, everyone is talking about standings, recruiting, statistics, and so on and so on and so on.
 

The North Carolina State Wolfpack – I get scared just thinking about that team. They might surround me and rip me to pieces.

Michigan Wolverines – Wolverines are big, tough, nasty rodents. Now granted, being rodents is a negative but what do you expect from a Rich Rodriguez team. And besides, a wolverine doesn’t look like a rodent, it looks like a cross between a wolf and a bear. And what I like about wolverines is that they have a reputation for utter ferocity. Utter ferocity and football go together.

West Virginia Mountaineers – Ever seen Deliverance? ‘Nuff said.

These are all primo nicknames. They each receive the Mike Fasano seal of approval. And now …

Nicknames that I disapprove of:

Akron Zips – Obviously, this football team either hangs out around your crotch or compresses files. Now, can you see a player getting psyched up over such things at game time?

Wisconsin Badgers – I don’t like badgers, every  night around dinnertime I get calls from people badgering me to buy vacuum cleaners. I curse at them, hang up the phone screaming “go back to Wisconsin where you came from.”

Purdue Boilermakers – “Boilermakers?” A “boilermaker” is not a nickname, it is an occupational category. A “Tiger” puts fear into you, it can maul you. What does a “Boilermaker” do – build a boiler in front of you and thus bore you to death?

Oregon State Beavers – No comment.

The Marshall Thundering Herd – I sort of like this nickname but it is too easy for opposing fans to call them the “Blundering Turds.”

Nicknames that make no sense:

Kent State Golden Flashes  - Golden Flashes?  Golden Flashes? What the hell are Golden Flashes? Is that what happens when rich people go into menopause? Or something prostitutes do to perverted people? How can I root for them if I don’t know even that they are?

TCU Horned Frogs – Okay, I know what horned frogs are, I actually saw one in Colorado once. But that doesn’t answer the question. Why would anyone in their right mind name a football team the “Horned Frogs?” The only hypothesis I have is that this happened in the 1960’s when everyone was on LSD.

Genetically engineered nicknames:

The Cincinnati Bearcats, The Arkansas State Red Wolves, Miami Red Hawks, Idaho Vandals, Wake Forest Demon Deacons, and the Duke Blue Devils.

And, finally, the best nickname of them all: The Rutgers Scarlet Knights. That's pretty self-explanatory.

Updated On: Jan 27, 2010 12:30 PM